Letting Go

I don’t know if you know this, but hip opening poses in yoga are supposed to release emotion.

I usually chalk this up to mumbo jumbo and simply relish the feeling of stretching out my always-too-tight hips flexors. Imagine my surprise today, whilst in reclined pigeon, I had an emotional epiphany/breakdown.

Let me explain.

I consider myself a pretty strong lady. I am rational. I am grounded. I am logical and get the job done. With all of this awesomeness comes a pride and stubbornness that makes conveying emotions a difficult process. I deny feeling angry or being sensitive because I relate a lot of that to being weak.

I have no idea where this pride comes from, but whatever. It is there. And when I do feel vulnerable, I get kind of mean, sassy and lash out at the person who put me in that state of mind.

Recently having my heart broken definitely put me in a vulnerable place. Which definitely caused lashing out. Which definitely caused REALLY harsh words and things I should have most definitely kept to myself. However, I declared this in okay move because I was owning my anger, I was owning my bitterness, all these harsh emotions were MINE. It was okay to wish harm upon said person.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in a positive place. Remember the tiny violin? Imagine a Manheim Steamroller Orchestra. That shit was following me around.

So here comes the epiphany. While opening my hips, I felt this surge of emotion. I felt the tears coming on. I felt vulnerable, open and a deep sense of nostalgia wash over me. I thought about how my three years with the Ex was wonderful. I thought about how deeply we loved each other. I thought about how ridiculous it was that I assumed he didn’t love me ever because of his recent actions.

We heal differently. We cope with things differently. That doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t real.

All of this hit me like a wave. Let me tell you, I was a hot mess when I curled back into child’s pose. It was also poignant that my favorite magazine had an entire article based on forgiveness. The world was screaming at me to just let it go… All I needed was a good yoga session to push me to that edge.

At this edge I realized something. There isn’t going to be happiness in my next relationship if I hold this bitterness and resentment. I can’t move on unless my forgiveness is legitimate. I need to admit and confess my bitterness, apologize for being a heinous bitch, and wish him all the luck and love in the world.

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Man. Yoga… you are an eye opener.

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